Another reason to make our yearly visit to Japan. The president of Japan’s Osakana Planning Co. told attendees of the Japanese Seafood Show in August that his tuna makes superior sushi because his company administers acupuncture to each fish prior to its death, in order to reduce stress. The Times of London are reporting. I’m wondering if they do the same thing at Peter Lugers to make their steak so fucking delicious.

Everyone’s favorite drunkard, Kathleen Turner was spotted at Border’s Books at the Time Warner Center actually looking at her own autobiography she wrote, “Send Yourself Roses.” Maybe she needs to buy a copy since there were tons of them on the shelves.

The ass whole of the Olympics in Beijing go to the Swedish wrestler Abe Abrahamian. Abrahamian was so upset about receiving the silver medal that he took it off during the presentation ceremony and walked off the competition mat (douche-bag). The International Olympic Committee disqualified the scorned Swede from the event ‘Greco-Roman wrestling’ because he violated multiple IOC rules (damn straight)!

Part 2 of The Loyal Order of the Tops

Degrees of bottoming are in important for the Loyal Order of the Tops to understand. You can maneuver and do the picking at your leisure.
-Al-Qaeda Bottom: The worst of the bunch. They usually are self-indulgent and act on impulse. Be warned if you decide to get involved. Known to manipulate feelings, steal money, play the extreme passive aggressive card to the hilt and wreck you emotionally. You will know if you encounter one of them. They tend to be the Broadway actors, some television personalities and fey twink boys.
-Kennedy Bottom: Not as severe as the Al-Qaeda but pretty damn close. These are the types that like the kinky scene. Tend to enjoy fisting which closely ties them to the Al-Qaeda Bottoms. They usually are the Fire Island, San Franciscan, Chelsea, Province Town jet setters. Come from money or have a ton of it. Usually, self-body obsessed and you must be too, sleeps with anyone and everyone as long as they have a share or frequent the “circuits.” Jobs include, managers at Barneys, architects, interior designers and various off screen television productions. The good thing is they are contained to their areas and hardly sway. If you must dip into this cesspool bring a vile of GHB or meth and you usually will control the situation for one night.
i.e. Beware. Always think they are right.
-Clinton Bottom: The majority of the bottoms fall into this category. These are the crew that tends to be stationed in the middle. They usually are the waiters, bartenders, or any service industry jobs which means musician, dancer, artist (painter) or the like. They tend to get bouts of depression and live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. The Blue Collar of the bottoms. This is the dateable category. Yet, please be advised they can be swayed quite easily. They also are the ones that tend to get bored. These are the ones the Tops should look out for and try to wrangle in before the two prior categories get a hold of them.
-Gingrich Bottom: These unfortunate fellows are the straight boys who like to dabble when they are supposedly “drunk.” They work in such fields as construction, politics, economics, models and the sport fields. Beware if they say the term “pay-for-play,” for obviously reasons. Tops tend to fall for these guys. Whoever came up with that word “straight-acting” should be shot. It has made these bottoms the most sought after hurting the Tops self esteem. If they can turn one of these they think they are the second coming. Yet, be warned this group pretends to be tops and want to fuck you or only interested in a blowjob. So Tops, if you are ok with that, feel free. They rarely bottom and if they ever get into that position you will encounter, “ouch,” “slow down,” “your too big,” “if you tell anyone…” and the list can go on forever.

There is an off shot category, versatile. Now, versatile is just another word for a Clinton Bottom. They usually tend to lean to the bottom side but something in their mind says they need to be the Top for the night to still feel in control even though they hold the cards. Tops, it’s perfectly fine to flip flop. What you will learn is that the bottom does not know how to top and will immediately want to go back to what they know. It’s a good learning curve.

These issues will be discussed in the next Man Coulter articles. I will explain the how and exactly what the Loyal Order of the Tops will entail.

Mary Kate Olsen was SPOTTED at Lit this past Wednesday night. The mini-scandal-filled Olsen was partying up beside the DJ both at the revived Manhattan hotspot. We hate to brag but we told you that this party was going to be hot two weeks ago! Check our ‘BlackBook’ feature to find the location to Lit!

Part 1 of 2: The Loyal Order of the Tops

Union support is beneficial in shaping communities in our great country. They supply unity for the underprivileged and “voices” for the ones who have none. Man Coulter would like to start a new charter or “union” that would put an end to the bottom controlling the market.

Logically, the bottom would seem like the one who would needs the support. They are the ones being plowed, taken advantage of and suffering through pain, so to speak. Tops, please don’t take these reasons for dropping your guard.

Bottoms are sneaky like that. They control the input. They can withhold and manipulate the market leaving you defenseless, shaken, and wondering what happened.

Tops are scattered about the country with no real direction. I call all Tops to gather in one spot were they can mobilize and easily control the situation instead of letting the passive aggressive, controlling, dramatic bottoms lead the conversation. Don’t be fooled by the passivity. It’s an act. A game of control. They will whimper and call names. See definition of Liberals.

This article is not defaming the bottom at all. It’s a movement to be on an even playing field. They need us as much as we need them.

I’ve been swindled by bottoms a quite a lot in my life. I’ve dated ballet dancers, musicians and the cleverest one of all, actors. Obviously, the dancer is a given so you know what you are getting into. Be warned if you get involved with an acting bottom. They are taught to pretend and cajole. They manipulate to get what they want and when the “scene” is over in their mind they get bored and trap another Top. On the radar of bottoms I would say they are the Al-Qaeda of bottoms. Gay terrorists. They explode on your penis possibly leaving you limbless and handicapped the rest of your life. The degree of bottoms will be discussed in the next article.

There are two propositions I propose. First is joining the Loyal Order of the Tops where you are protected. Two, is a contract. A contract before we enter a relationship especially if you plan on being with this person for a while. The contract can be discussed from both parties to the duration. 1, 3, 5, even 7 years. The Top can have access to the bottom for the years agreed upon and that bottom cannot stray during those years. As the lease comes to renewal you BOTH can decide if you want to continue.

Part 2 of The Loyal Order of the Tops coming soon…

NBC wasn’t fucking around when deciding to take the bid for airing the 2008 Olympics. NBC has acquired over 1 Billion dollars in advertising revenue! The network will be playing over 3,000 hours of the Olympics, taking place over 17 days. Damn that evil little rainbow peacock!!!!

An Ohio man who apparently hates paper money decided to buy a Chevy with small change. How much change you might ask….. $8,000 in coins (amazingly white trashy)!!! James Jones, the 70 year ‘old-fart’, brought 17 coffee cans worth of coins to the dealership!! We love this story, almost as funny as the guy who shot his lawn mower a few weeks ago.

The same MTV stage that Britney Spears had her catastrophic performance last year might be graced again by the fallen pop-star. Brit Brit is in talks to perform (once again) at the MTV music awards next month.  The only performers confirmed so far are the Jonas Brothers and Lil’ Wayne. Britney has been doing a great job cleaning up her act and she has lost some of her drinking-drug chub (looking good). We hope that this ‘come-back’ performance actually lets Britney ‘come back’ into our lives as an entertainer and not a vag-flashing pop-slob!

Good Luck!!

William Dafoe was SPOTTED today lurking the streets of Manhattan on 6th ave and 20th street. Our insider said that Dafoe’s skin looked very rubbery and he looked tired as he chatted on his cell phone. As you all would assume, no paparazzi were around( boohoo Willy).